United Nations of Beer

Beer Blaster

by Dallas Reimer
(Beer Delegate, MB, Canada)

Beer Blaster gun
(Bad Ape Industries)

There are few things more exciting to me than getting a package in the mail. Unlike regular boring letter mail, a package is never something you just toss to the side, never to be thought of again.

That’s because a package will never be a bill or junk mail. It won’t be a subscription renewal or a bundle of coupons. What will it be, then? Whatever it is, it will have substance. That’s what’s so damn exciting about a package. It could be anything.

So when a package came addressed to Dallas Reimer - Delegate to the United Nations of Beer, I could barely keep myself contained. Not just a regular package, but a package containing an item that would be interesting to a man who reviews beer. Off the top of my head, I can’t think of any physical thing related to beer that I would not love. So with trembling hands I open the box and find: The BeerBlaster.

I am awed and flabbergasted, but more cautious.

The Beer Blaster is one of those devices that, in theory, should be one of the greatest known to man. A gun that shoots a stream of beer up to 15 feet, powered only by carbonation?

Usually when that sort of thing pops up in your browser window or falls out of a magazine I have a tendency to get overly excited until I realize that it has severe connotations of those old X-ray glasses ads I used to see on the back of comic books. I mean, how could this possibly live up to the hype?

What’s surprising about the Beer Blaster is how damn lifelike it feels in your hand. You know, aside from the can of beer pinned to the topside. It’s made of that kind of plastic that they used to make those absolutely indestructible toys out of. I have dropped it more than once and and it has nary a scratch on it.

The Beer Blaster came with a can of sparkling water and the brief but adequate instruction set of "Shake up a can, slide it in, slam it down and spray away." I follow them and am surprised to find that not a single drop of liquid leaks out. It locks down tight and the first thing I do is point it at my fiancée, Jovan. She yells at me.

So, the next thing I know, I’m in the shower with my shirt off and a gun pointed at my face. The first shot goes straight into my right nostril. I sputter a bit and worry about that headache you get when you get water up your nose at the pool. The gun is still pointed at me. She tries again.

A spray hits my neck. I am surprised at the pressure. So is the cat, who senses Jovan’s blood (beer) lust and hides under the bed.

The third shot hits me square in the back of the throat and I come up choking. See, it’s really hard to swallow with your mouth wide open. (Ahem. Ed.)

Now, I don’t think they intended it as an everyday beer delivery device (or maybe you did, you party-hungry Oregonians), but for someone headed to a party with a case of cheap brew, you’d best bring along The Beer Blaster and shake it up a bit.