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At the UNOB, we believe
a beer gut is simply a badge of honour.
However,
the popular press and mass media tell it differently.
Unless we're sporting Brad
Pitt-style
washboard
abs, they say, we're as likely to score as James Bond at a women's
liberation rally.
The United Nations of Beer wants to give
its members the right to choose. You can be as fat as a tub
of lard for all we care.
But if YOU want to be able to see
your toes without the aid of a mirror, we feel it would be churlish not
to help you achieve that worthy goal.
So read on for the UNOB
Beer Gut
Banishers. We have found two great ways to bash your beer
belly, without breaking the bank or your spirit. Will you have to quit drinking?
No! Just make a few small changes to your lifestyle and you'll see
sterling results.
The Water Cooler method
Cost: FREE
Side
effects: REHYDRATION,
BLADDER STRENGTHENING
Potential weight loss in
year one: 39lbs
This is a stroke
of absolute genius.
If you work in an office with a water cooler and a toilet (I think most
people would qualify), it will achieve the desired effect of a smaller
beer gut in no time. And you'll be paid to slim!
It's a fact that most people in the world
are
dehydrated for most of the time. Which, without getting too technical
about it (or bothering to do any research), isn't
good for you.
The Water Cooler
method is so easy. Every 15 minutes, walk briskly to the cooler. Drink
one cup straight down, refill and walk back to your desk.
Whenever
you need to take a
pee (which
will
happen a lot in the early days!), walk briskly to the bathroom.
You may opt to do toe raises while you
pee. (Women
might have trouble doing this, sorry.)
How can this possibly make you lose 39lbs
in a
year? Easy. You will be walking MILES every day that you
never used to. Add it up: measure your distances using
metre-long strides (do this at night or early morning and make sure the
security cameras aren't recording you for America's Funniest Videos).
Now work out how many times you visit the
bathroom per day, figure out the metres, then add four times the
distance to the cooler multiplied by the hours you work. Obviously the
farther you sit from the cooler and the bathroom, the more
benefit you'll see on your beer gut.
Yes, I know this will give you the
distance in metres, but the extra work it takes you to look up a
converter from metres to miles online will burn calories too!
"Beers of the world, unite!"
The
Car War method
Cost: FREE
Side
effects: FRESH AIR,
PAINLESS EXERCISE, GAS MONEY SAVINGS, POTENTIAL FOR PERSONAL INJURY
CLAIM IF YOU ARE HIT BY A CAR
Potential weight
loss in year one: 12lbs
Every
time you visit
an office, mall or other
place with a parking lot, make a point of parking as far away
as possible from the entrance. Walk briskly to the door.
What most people don't realise is that
this
takes NO MORE TIME than hunting for a space close to the door.
As you walk across the empty spaces of the
far
distant lot and gradually close in on the doors, you'll see loads of
frustrated idiots circling endlessly in search of that dream space.
Smile
to
yourself as you feel your beer
gut
growing smaller. Tut tut at the waste of fossil fuels and the effect on
greenhouse gas emissions.
Enjoy
the exercise that's really no effort at all. And don't buy a
pair of bigger trousers. Those ones you have in the bottom of the
wardrobe will fit in no time at all.
"Beers of the world, unite!"
Bye
bye, beer gut!
Guinness Product HQ
