Not proud of your beer gut? We can bust that gut for you without pain!

Beer Gut

Secretary-General Ash and Japanese Beer Delegate Doug show off their beer bellies, circa 1999...

At the UNOB, we believe a beer gut is simply a badge of honour.

However, the popular press and mass media tell it differently.

Unless we're sporting Brad Pitt-style washboard abs, they say, we're as likely to score as James Bond at a women's liberation rally.

The United Nations of Beer wants to give its members the right to choose. You can be as fat as a tub of lard for all we care.

But if YOU want to be able to see your toes without the aid of a mirror, we feel it would be churlish not to help you achieve that worthy goal.

So read on for the UNOB Beer Gut Banishers. We have found many great ways to bash your beer belly, without breaking the bank or your spirit. Will you have to quit drinking? No! Just make a few small changes to your lifestyle and you'll see sterling results.

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The Water Cooler method

Cost: FREE
Side effects: REHYDRATION, BLADDER STRENGTHENING
Potential weight loss in year one: 39lbs
You'll feel like a peeing machine and dream about water coolers, but it will be worth it in the end!

This is a stroke of absolute genius. If you work in an office with a water cooler and a toilet (I think most people would qualify), it will achieve the desired effect of a smaller beer gut in no time. And you'll be paid to slim!

It's a fact that most people in the world are dehydrated for most of the time. Which, without getting too technical about it (or bothering to do any research), isn't good for you.

The Water Cooler method is so easy. Every 15 minutes, walk briskly to the cooler. Drink one cup straight down, refill and walk back to your desk.

Whenever you need to take a pee (which will happen a lot in the early days!), walk briskly to the bathroom.

You may opt to do toe raises while you pee. (Women might have trouble doing this, sorry.)

How can this possibly make you lose 39lbs in a year? Easy. You will be walking MILES every day that you never used to. Add it up: measure your distances using metre-long strides (do this at night or early morning and make sure the security cameras aren't recording you for America's Funniest Videos).

Now work out how many times you visit the bathroom per day, figure out the metres, then add four times the distance to the cooler multiplied by the hours you work. Obviously the farther you sit from the cooler and the bathroom, the more benefit you'll see on your beer gut.

Yes, I know this will give you the distance in metres, but the extra work it takes you to look up a converter from metres to miles online will burn calories too!

The Car War method

Cost: FREE
Side effects: FRESH AIR, PAINLESS EXERCISE, GAS MONEY SAVINGS, POTENTIAL FOR PERSONAL INJURY CLAIM IF YOU ARE HIT BY A CAR
Potential weight loss in year one: 12lbs
Whenever this method seems just too much effort, think of the reward at the end.

Every time you visit an office, mall or other place with a parking lot, make a point of parking as far away as possible from the entrance. Walk briskly to the door.

What most people don't realise is that this takes NO MORE TIME than hunting for a space close to the door.

As you walk across the empty spaces of the far distant lot and gradually close in on the doors, you'll see loads of frustrated idiots circling endlessly in search of that dream space.

Smile to yourself as you feel your beer gut growing smaller. Tut tut at the waste of fossil fuels and the effect on greenhouse gas emissions.

Enjoy the exercise that's really no effort at all. And don't buy a pair of bigger trousers. Those ones you have in the bottom of the wardrobe will fit in no time at all.