James III discusses tactics for finding a designated driver...
"Beers of the world, unite!"
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RANT
ON: finding a designated driver
Submitted
by James
III
Drinking at home is great and all,
but sometimes your house
lacks the panache of some of the area's finer watering holes. Getting
pulled
over while doing 75mph down a residential street, with a keg tapped in the
backseat and a handle of Jack Daniels buckled into the
passenger seat, is less
than ideal.
The identification, enlistment and retention of a designated driver, then, becomes of paramount importance. A good go-to guy or gal will ensure that you have a comfortable ride to and from a bar/party, will limit the likelihood that you will be arrested/harassed by a peace officer and will, overall, increase the amount of beer you can carelessly consume.
Designated driver
That being said, the acquiring and keeping a designated driver presents a unique set of challenges. You will need some charm, some finesse or at the very least the ability to augment your lack of charm and finesse with some sort of financial incentive.
So whom should you target? Who can you CONvince to ferry you and your drunk friends all around town without succumbing to beer's malty siren song?
Well my fellow Beerpublicans, as a service to the greater Beerpublic, I have created this list of a few archetypical designated drivers who, through a careful assessment of their needs and desires, you can take advantage of.
The Unlucky Compatriot: This poor soul is chosen from within your group through the power of probability.
Have everyone in your group put their car keys in a hat and have a neutral party reach in and remove one set. Those keys and the car they go to unlock a night of unbridled drinking for you and your friends.
For he who played this far less messy and brain-busting game of Russian Roulette and loses, becomes your chauffer.
When the
Unlucky Compatriot's keys are pulled, it is important to
ensure his
co-operation. There are no do overs, Mulligans or excuses, only the
inexorable
fact that the loser becomes the evening's designated driver.
Incentives that can help in his transformation from a fellow partygoer to the designated driver include: shame, insults, calling in old debts and reminding him of the infallibility of the selection method.
If you do use this method, surreptitiously take as many keys off of your key ring as possible. This will lessen the likelihood that your set will be pulled and that you will be spending a sober night out. Of course this could ignite a key lightening arms race, so be sure to be discreet.
The Futurist: We all know this guy. He is the one who is pursuing a double major in acting and world languages, while volunteering at the local soup kitchen and running an on-campus club all on his way to med school.
This individual may not be interested in spending his precious free time drinking, choosing instead to focus on his career, but that does not mean he will not give you a ride as your designated driver. In fact, since he will still be up reading a treatise on 17th Century Latvian Doll Making at 2am, it is well within the realm of possibility that he will be able to pull himself away from the chapter "Buttons and Googly-eyes, the Doll’s Window to the World" and come to pick you up.
The Futurist responds well to stories of your night, which allow him to live vicariously through you, free late night food and praise. Extra points if you convince him that driving you around will look good on his resume.
The Lover: If someone in your group has a significant other, they may be able to turn that into a scot-free ride home. Often for love alone, the boyfriend will drop everything, come pick up his girlfriend and become designated driver for her and her friends.
Acquiring the services of the Lover as designated driver couldn’t be easier. Have member of your group call her significant other in the most helpless, cute voice she can muster and request a ride. Throwing in an "I love you" can work wonders. That's it. The Lover should be there within minutes, ready to drive you and your friends wherever you would like to go, be it to a drive-through, another party or home.
The risks associated with the Lover lie mainly with those who are not directly in the relationship, including sitting awkwardly in the back while drunken arguments, make-out sessions or baby talk fly around the front seat.
If you know you are getting home this way, be sure to drink a little extra so it's easier to ignore them when they go at it.
The
Bootycall: Similar to the Lover is the Bootycall. One uses
the nearly
the same strategy for the Bootycall as is used to ensnare the Lover,
with one
major difference: love is not the currency of the Bootycall; that honor
is
reserved for sex.
This may be a positive or a negative depending on who is on the other end of that phone. In either case, the Bootycall will likely pick at least the Bootycaller and take them to a warm bed. And if the Bootycaller happens to have sweaty drunken monkey sex with the person, so it goes.
Besides, it could be worse: you could have gone home with a less than ideal individual due to your drunkenness. And when you find out you've gotten the HPV from that whale you harpooned, you will regret not the Bootycall.
The Loser: The Loser is to acceptance as peanut butter is to jelly. They are more or less inseparable. You see the Loser in nature as the lame member of the herd who always has to try extra hard to succeed.
Consider a litter of puppies: the runt has to fight tooth and nail to acquire adequate teat-time. In the case of the Loser, the teat is being a part of the herd. He responds well to promises of inclusion and kind words mixed with demands and orders.
The key to maximizing
the Loser's usefulness as designated driver is to balance offers of
acceptance with actual
acceptance. If you promise inclusion in exchange for favors (aka the
services
of a designated driver) but never take steps towards actual inclusion,
the Loser will leave
for greener pastures.
If you offer complete acceptance too quickly, the Loser will just be another one of the guys that will not willingly drive. It's a balancing act, but the carefree drinking that results well outweighs the effort.
If at some point you feel guilty about this unabashed exploitation, drown those thoughts in the hoppy bosom of another beer.
The Young'un: This poor soul has yet to reach the legal drinking age of your area. It stands to reason then that it is less likely that the Young'un is drunk at any given moment than someone of legal drinking age.
Towards that end, it may be possible to tear the Young'un away from his raucous game of late night Halo, Dungeons and Dragons or Minesweeper to come pick your sorry ass up as your designated driver.
Once you have appropriated his designated driver services, be sure to thank him, as he is doing you a favor. If thanks don't seem to be cutting the mustard, remember that the Young'un responds to promises of drinking when he reaches the appropriate age, World of Warcraft prepaid cards and cherry Slurpees.
Your Parents: In rare cases it may be necessary to call the parents. Works best if you still live at home, or at the very least never left your hometown.
The positives of calling your parents is that they will rush out the door to save their baby, more than likely give you a ride for free and may even tuck you in to boot (if you still live at home).
The negatives are the uncomfortable morning after, the "You should know better" look and the realization that no matter how old you are, you still are lamely dependant on them, at least to be a designated driver now and then.
But then again, you probably already know how lame you are; it probably ranks high on your reasoning for drinking.
Sammy: Sammy will take you anywhere you want to go. Why? Quite simply he, much like the rest of us, is a slave of capitalism and has to make a living.
Sammy does it by driving people
to the airport, across town or to and from parties and bars. That's
right
ladies and gentlemen; Sammy
is your friendly neighborhood cab driver. If you
live in a big city, Sammy is easy to find; the lower your population
density
is, however, the rarer and rarer Sammy the professional designated
driver becomes.
I attended a college in a suburban area where Sammys were not too common, but far from non-existent. We befriended a Sammy who would come to us when we called not only because we knew him by name, but also because he knew we tipped well.
A great option if you can afford it. Every responsible Beerpublican keeps Sammy's number easily accessible.
The Non Drinker: The Non Drinker may be a non drinker for a variety of reasons. She might swell up like a thumb that has been run over by a Hummer when she has a sip of liquor, or be a devout Mormon. She could be taking a break from drinking or be pregnant.
No matter the reason, remember: just because the Non Drinker avoids the sauce does not mean she opposes going out with her friends. In fact, she can be one of the easiest designated drivers to enlist in a trip to a bar.
As she has decided that drinking is not for her, there are no negative feelings towards you for not wanting to drive. If you sense reluctance, offer her unlimited soda and food, pay for her gas or offer her some other payment.
The Non Drinker usually accepts them all and asks for little else; her false sense of superiority usually makes for her greatest reward.
The
Cops: Getting a ride from the cops can go either way. In
my
experience, the only time you sit in a police car is when you are on
your way to
jail; that being said, cops are people too and may be convincible. You
might
just get lucky.
On the other hand, you could end up debating the BEST way to do a keg stand with the other drunks in the drunk tank, so approach a ride with a peace officer the same way you approach a Long-Island Iced Tea: confidently, but with extreme caution.
Fellow Beerpublicans, I consider myself an expert at getting a ride home from bars; in fact I have not been designated driver for years. And I did it all thanks to this list, which used to only reside in my head.
Now that it is on record, I will fold it up and keep it over my liver; that way its guiding light will always be available. I suggest you do the same. Happy drinking and remember: there is no way any night is worth a DUI. Long live the Beerpublic!
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