United Nations of Beer

Drunks should not ride bikes

by anoynomous
(Someplace quiet)

First of all, I don't drink, and I owe some of that to this experience. But for now, you can take it from me that drunks should not ride bikes.

Let's say long ago, and far away a small town girl went to work for a resort for the summer in college. Needless to say, parties (among other things...) every night were very common, but the worst night I remember involved a fellow employee that was very, very drunk, way past the normal stumbling, yada yada yada.

Now we all know that an intoxicated person has a poor sense of balance, (walk the line, officer), but this croonie had it in his head to give a fellow female employee a ride on his bike. No, not a Harley. Think smaller. Nope, not even a Suzuki. Yep, you guessed it, a rinky-dink pedal bike.

I wasn't there for that part, but it just sounds hilarious. The mental picture of a poor drunk idiot giving a grown girl a pump on his bike. He probably got like three feet before both him and the girl biffed it in the dirt. I know the story went something like that.

She was fine, but he came back to the room where we were chilling. He had (no lie, brace yourself) some sort of tube-like thing literally hanging out of the palm of his hand. He must have tried to catch himself in the fall with his hands.

It wasn't really bleeding. I just remember seeing it and it was sobering to me and I wasn't even drunk. So, I remember people trying to take care of him without actually calling the medical staff, because then they would all get caught underage drinking and who knows what else illegal. That was pathetic.

So for doctoring him up, they basically pushed it back in and bandaged his hand. The funny part to me was him laying there on the bed out of it as anyone I'd ever seen, shaking his head back and forth, saying to me, the famous words of most drunks, "I'm never going to drink again. I'm never going to drink again. Maybe just beer but never Vodka or Gin again."

Blah blah blah... Next week... bottle in hand, tipping up toward the mouth... never say never.

Drunks should not ride bikes.