Jack’s American lager

by Dallas Reimer
(Beer Delegate, MB, Canada)

Jack's American lager: Holding it like a football, ready to kick it back to the states

Starting today, I hold up my pants with used shoelaces. Starting today, I eat no-name ramen straight out of the pot. Starting today, I eat cat food every other meal. For today, I begin to save for the down payment on my very first house.

Ah, what a dream it will be! To mow the lawn with a six pack by my side, or to build a crooked chair in my own garage workshop. I’m looking forward to shoveling the snow from my driveway directly onto my neighbor’s, smiling and waving at him as he eats his breakfast.

Of course, this means that money will be tight for awhile. No more name brand cereals or magnificent steak dinners. No more Haagen Dazs or Ben and Jerry’s. But worst of all, no more twelve packs of wonderful premium beer.

Which is where Jack’s American lager comes in.

I was already drunk when I walked into the beer store, unwaveringly pointing myself to the corner. You know that corner. The one with the pristine tile and fingerprint-free cooler glass. I used to laugh at that corner. “Who would buy that garbage?” I would snicker.

As it turns out, I bought this garbage.

Lucky Lager seemed an obvious choice and I even went so far as to grab a six pack when poor ol’ Jack’s American lager caught my eye. Oh Jack’s, with your star-spangled can, looking proudly American in a country not especially known for its American-loving disposition. You crack me up. And you were cheap.

So I said “ring it up” and went back to the party.

To its credit, it weighs in at 4.9% ABV, which is pretty damned close to regular Canadian beer. That’s where the similarities end.

I knew what to expect even before I cracked it open. Despite the description on the can – “brewed traditionally with only the most carefully selected aromatic hops, choice barley malt, and pure artesian water” – it did not taste like anything was carefully selected at all. Okay, maybe they carefully selected the cheapest ingredients they could without getting banned by the FDA, but that’s about as careful as it got.

Now I know you’re all reading my glowing recommendation and thinking, “say, Dal, how the hell can I dazzle my taste buds too?” If you want the full experience of drinking a Jack’s American lager without actually putting yourself through it, go buy a can of corn. Next, pour the liquid from the can into a glass, top with water and drink. Maybe add a little vodka.

Okay, maybe just go buy a different beer.

By the way, Jack’s last name is Russell. Which is funny because I was just thinking about feeding the rest of the can to my neighbor’s dog.