Re-Ale-imator Beer Zombie T-Shirt

by Tom Warin
(Salem, MA)

Re-Ale-imator Beer Zombie T-Shirt
(CafePress)

This shirt is dark, like your blackened soul, and long-sleeved to combat the chill that pervades the dank basement where you carry out your vile experiments; experiments which are an affront to man and nature.

The only problem is that, although it hides blood and grime pretty well, dust and cobwebs really show up clearly on the black material. If only you had somebody you could trust to dust and vacuum your lair...

Ah, but that's where the lovely Valeria comes in, isn't it? You've been waiting for your chance to test the theories that got you laughed out of West Latveria Vocational College, and now that chance has fallen into your lap with the untimely demise of your young maid.

Are we to believe that it was truly an accident? That she didn't know that she had polished the wood floor next to the stairs so well that it had become a death trap?

But this is not time for recriminations. The deed is done. The woman is dead. Now to find if you can truly raise her from the dead, or whether you are as full of empty promises as your cruel father, the Baron Von Kluistenberg, claimed you were.

Your theory is promising, at least. By pumping the corpse full of a strong, bottle-conditioned ale, you introduce a smattering of yeast, the fabled "breath of life" that turns a lifeless sugary liquid into an effervescent bottle of liquid joy.

Perhaps you may be onto something after all. I feel bad for chasing you with a pitchfork that time. Please accept this Re-Ale-imator Beer Zombie T-Shirt from CafePress as an apology.