United Nations of Beer

Schlitz T-shirt

by Tom Warin
(Salem, MA)

Schlitz T-shirt distressed logo
(Choice Shirts)

These are the tales that brewers tell to their children around the campfire: The great hop shortage of 2008. The tank of porter that burst and drowned a city block. "Old Malty", the fiend that haunts breweries at night and eats the crystal malt. "Diacetyl Bob", the assistant brewer who made every beer taste of buttered popcorn.

But there is one story so horrifying, so blood-curdling to a right thinking brewer that they only tell it amongst themselves, and only then when it's late at night, after a double shift and after the IPA has been flowing freely. It is the tale of Schlitz.

Schlitz was once a happy-go-lucky, unprepossessing beer with a good slogan, plenty of prospects and the kiss of hops. Before long, it became the #2 beer in America. There's a lot of pressure on you when you're #2, pressure that you didn't feel when you were #10 or #20.

Suddenly people start asking when you're going be #1. Why aren't you #1? If you're not going to be #1, could we at least increase profits? Do we really need to keep the fermentation tanks so cold in the summer? Do we really need to use all of this expensive malt, when there's perfectly good corn slurry that could be used instead? And what is this "lagering" nonsense? This isn't Germany, this is America, dammit! Make the beer cheaper and make the beer faster.

The fearful brewers obeyed their corporate masters and made the beer cheaper and faster. Customers didn't care for it. The taste of Schlitz started to become associated with a different kind of #2. Soon, Schlitz was gone, but not forgotten.

The original recipe Schlitz is now back. If this is your kind of thing, why not celebrate with this Schlitz T-shirt from ChoiceShirts. If nothing else, it'll scare the beejeezus out of the next brewer you see.