United Nations of Beer

StuporBowl Championship

by Chris Perrin
(Beer Delegate, MO, USA)

StuporBowl Championship game!

(If you missed them, the StuporBowl playoffs and semi-finals can be found here.)

The day has finally arrived. All the hard work, the yeast, the label printing and most importantly, the no-holds-barred action all over the bottlefield has come down to this: the StuporBowl Championship game!

Guinness, the classy Irish stout, squaring off against Oregon’s microbrew of choice: Rogue and its wide selection of beers.

How did they get here? In the first round of the playoffs, Rogue felled Texas’ Shiner Bock with its multi-beer offense. The tasty Texan beer couldn't keep up.

In the semis, Rogue met Goose Island and their superstar, Honkers Ale, and played them to the wire when it was revealed the Goose Island was underage. Their appeal to the commissioner was overturned when Rogue produced an unlaminated, out of state driver’s license from when Rogue was thirty pounds heavier to prove that was actually brewed in ’86, not ’88.

Guinness met alcohol megastar Coors in the first round and forced the Colorado beermeister from the tournament with one unbeatable fact. It, indeed, was Guinness. In the second round, Guinness met former partner in beer Bass ale in a game that was decided on a missed last second kick attempt. The Bass’ place kicker was later heard on Canadian television saying that Bass’ superstars did not have the drive to win a game.

But that is all history, because now it's StuporBowl Championship time. Let’s do this thang.

Play by play commentary

Rogue got the ball first, using its now famous multifaceted, many-look offense in a battle of size versus speed. Rogue took an early lead with its new ales, the Monk Madness brewed with five layers of malt, hops and Rogue’s proprietary yeast, and Uberfest Pilsner, a German-inspired beer. The Saint Rogue Red, which retired at the end of the game, had perhaps the finest individual performance of the StuporBowl Championship game.


However, Guinness’ coaching staff was smart. They knew that all they had to do was withstand Rogue’s initial attack and let its size take over. No one can doubt the skill that Rogue brings to the table, but the reach of Guinness can be felt around the world.

This thick, creamy stout is brewed in over 50 countries and can be ordered in over 150. Few beers have that much international appeal or that large of an international distribution network.

As is often the case, when size and speed collide, size won out. It was by no means a blowout, but Rogue did not have the depth to keep up their onslaught on Guinness.

Even Rogue’s trickery and the canine mascot could not eke out a victory for their team.

And this brings an end to the historical inaugural StuporBowl. Guinness can rest easy... for now.

But the next StuporBowl Championship is but twelve short months away and everyone knows it is hard to keep a good rogue, a honking goose or a shiner-ing bock down.

Until then, this is Chris Perrin from the StuporBowl Championship field, signing off.