Uses for beer

by Doctor G
(Beer Delegate, FL, USA)

20 OTHER uses for beer...

(Editor's note: Seek professional psychiatric attention BEFORE you attempt any of Doctor G's health-related ideas in this article...)

What if beer were more than just our favorite cold beverage? What if there were other, proven uses for our golden frothy friend? Research shows that, in moderation, drinking beer has significant health benefits. However, gentlemen, it's time to make beer an even bigger part of our world. I give you the Top 20 OTHER Things You Can Do With Beer.

20. GET SOME SLEEP

Would you believe that beer can be a sleep agent and help insomnia? Well of course, we all usually pass out after a night of inebriation. But no, we're talking a normal night's sleep here!

Women have been known to sew hops into pillows, allowing for the smell of it to help as a sleep aid, especially for colicky babies. Hops are a type of flower, though, so be careful if you have allergies.

19. FORGET THE PUB HAUS, BUILD YOUR OWN HOUSE!

Earthship, a house in New Mexico, has walls made of empty beer cans and concrete. Instead of using forms for the cement, builders put down alternating layers of mortar and cans. A ceiling vent allows frigid desert air to flow in during the night.

The beer absorbs this cold, but never freezes because of its alcohol content. When the hatch is closed during the day, the beer releases the coolness. The same thing happens when you open one and drink it. This is one of the more painful uses for beer. Think of all those cans of beer, trapped for all time behind layers of mortar!

18. CALM AN UPSET STOMACH

Sipping on a highly carbonated beer can settle a stomach just like (7-Up or Sprite). Plus, the alcohol helps buffer pain. The more you drink, the pain lessens (go figure!). However, be careful if you have an ulcer or gastritis.

17. HAIR GOOP

A handy grooming tip. A few drops of beer is sticky enough to subdue any sudden uprising on your eyebrow or scalp that you spot in a bathroom mirror. Just wet your index finger and demurely slick it down. Think of it as Miller mousse.

16. LOWER YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE

If you're feeling a bit hypertensive, put a handful of dried hops or hops pellets (available at any home-brew store) in a coffeemaker and brew them with hot water. It makes for a bitter tea, but it supposedly brings your blood pressure back to normal by dilating the capillaries.

15. SEE SPOT LAWN

Another of those sneaky uses for beer. According to a professional gardener, the fermented sugars in beer stimulate plant growth and kill fungi. Spraying either home brew or Rolling Rock (both are chemical-free) on those annoying brown spots in your lawn should do the trick. The grass absorbs the sugar and draws energy from it.

14. FIGHT FIRE

Although certainly not as effective as a real fire extinguisher, a can or bottle of beer can mimic one if none is available. Simply shake and spritz.

13. COOK SEAFOOD (SHRIMP, CLAMS, MUSSELS)

OK, this is from a friend, and I've yet to try it, although the logic is sound, considering we all eat the infamous beer battered onion rings down at the watering hole. Here's a couple of cooking recipes.

Check out the UNOB beer recipes guide for inspiration.

12. FLY HIGH

Believe it or not, there's a pilot out there that actually builds model planes out of beer cans. He sells the plans for eight categories of beer-can planes, including vintage tri-wings, helicopters, Warhawks and ones that actually fly. "This is Ghostrider requesting permission to buzz the tower..."

11. POLISH POTS

In days of yore, the last bit of beer from spent kegs was collected and used to polish the copper vats in breweries. You can actually use beer to put a shine on anything copper, from pots to copper-top tables. Because of its acidity, you can just pour some on, let it sit for a while, then wipe it off.

10. LIKE A ROLLING STONE

There are certain accepted facts in life, such as the fact that beer is a diuretic. If you didn't know that, you will after about 3-4 beers and that pressured sensation you'll feel shortly thereafter.

If you've got a bladder infection or kidney stone, beer can help flush the kidneys and bladder. It may help you pass a stone quicker and easier. Plus, the alcohol will take the edge off the pain. But don't drink beer if you're taking antibiotics or narcotic pain medications. You'll render the drugs useless and make yourself sick.

9. MOUSETRAP

Ever heard of a fatal attraction to beer? Did you know that you can trap mice with it? One of the more cool (and cruel!) uses for beer... Set out a few small pails or bowls of beer with a small ramp leading up to the lip.

The mice will be attracted by the smell, hop in, drink their fill, then be unable to climb out. Sinister, isn't it? (I know a few pubs that sound exactly like that mousetrap idea... Ed.)

8. RICECAPADES

Rinse 1 cup jasmine rice in water. Do it twice more, then drain well. Next, dump the rice into a medium-size pot and add 12 ounces of beer. (A nut-brown ale works well.) Bring the mixture to a boil, turn the heat to low, and cover the pot.

Simmer for 20 minutes, then remove from the stove and cool for an additional 10 minutes. The rice won't be lumpy, and it'll have a nuttier flavor — just like you after you eat it.

7. BEER-B-Q SAUCE!

See my Beer BBQ Sauce recipe here.

6. LOOSEN RUSTY BOLTS

Pour some beer on them and wait a few minutes. The carbonation may help break up the rust.

5. BEER CAN PATIO FURNITURE

To start, you'll need:
About 65 assorted beer caps
1-foot square piece of 1/4-inch plywood
Four, 1-to1 1/2-inch-square, 18-inch posts
Four 12x2-inch strips of lattice
Four, 3-inch dry-wall screws
Some tacking nails
A tube of tub-and-tile adhesive

Simply screw the plywood to the posts, brace them with lattice, and glue the caps to the top in whatever creative arrangement you like. Warning: Don't leave the finished table out in the rain, because the caps will rust.

4. MARINATE MEAT

Beer is slightly acidic, as we've already discussed. This makes beer an excellent meat tenderizer. This allows you to enjoy leaner cuts that otherwise might be too tough. Beer also won't alter the meat's flavor as much as wine- and vinegar-based marinades do.

Poke a few holes in the meat, put it in a Tupperware container (or borrow one from your hot chick neighbor) or a large resealable bag (again for those of you unaware of these inventions, find a chick) and add beer. Marinate in the refrigerator for a few hours or, better yet, overnight.

Caution: Do not drink the marinade.

3. SHAMPOO HAIR

Not only is beer the remedy for a dull party, it's also the cure for dull hair. Dump a cup into a small saucepan and bring it to a boil over medium heat. Let it reduce until there's 1/4 cup left. This removes the alcohol, which can dry hair. Let the beer cool, then mix it with a cup of your favorite shampoo.

Pour it into an empty shampoo bottle, then wash and rinse as usual. It'll give your hair more shine and luster. Put a nice head on your head!

2. FIND DUE NORTH

Okay, here's the scenario. A bit far-fetched, but hey, if they can do it in the movie, so can we.

Let's say you're hopelessly lost in the wilderness and all you have is a can of beer, a sewing needle, a small bowl, and a pair of extra-large silk panties. (Because this is a matter of life and death, the camp counselor should give hers up.) First, open the beer, pour some into the bowl and let it go flat. (Better drink the rest; this may not work.)

Next, magnetize the needle by stroking it repeatedly in one direction with the panties. (The needle, fellas...) This will generate a charge of static electricity. Then float the needle in the beer. When it stops, it'll be pointing in a north-south direction. Haul ass so that you can make happy hour before sundown.

1. BEER SLIDE!

And the number one use for beer – a beer slide! That's right, you've polished the pots, flushed the kidney stones, cooked up a variety of food and found your way out of the woods. Now it's time to enjoy yourself and use yet another excuse to get those hot girls next door into bikinis.

At your next party, lay a large vinyl tarp on a slope, then make it slick with lots of beer. Have your friends strip down to their underwear or swim trunks, get a running start, and slide downhill! It's more fun than midget bowling on a Saturday night with bucket specials. (OK, well maybe not that fun.)