United Nations of Beer

Wedding beer

by Lucia Novara
(Beer Delegate, CO, USA)

How to choose the perfect wedding beer

I don't know how many beer hounds will be cruising this site looking for wedding planning tips, but they always say write what you know. And at the ripe age of 25 and with my own wedding in two months, I know two things: party planning and how to choose good beer. (And also every line in Spaceballs, but that doesn’t help us much here.)

So read on and discover the perfect brew for any wedding. Cause we're not just joining two souls here people, we're also providing fuel for The Worm on the dance floor!

The Winter Wonderland Wedding

If sleigh rides and snowflakes set your heart a-flutter, a winter wedding may be the right call for you and your Smoochyface. While you pick out snowmen-shaped centerpieces, don't forget to think about what will keep your single guests warm: namely, booze. Maybe hookers too, but that's not on your dime.

I suggest a cider to keep things cozy. Woodchuck Dark & Dry 802 Draft Cider may just be your ticket. Made with apples and Champaign wheat, it has a mild bitter and sweet flavor with just the right amount of nutmeg. You can also provide egg nog, but be prepared for teenage guests to over-imbibe and yack all over the dance floor.

The Destination Wedding

If you're escaping the specters of your extended family and taking the wedding show on the road, there's two things you should know. 1) It's really hard to get a giant wedding dress on a plane; and 2) What the locals are serving up wherever you are jetting off to.

Most places have little stout bottles of local brew which will be the perfect destination wedding beer. You just have to find out what it is and how to keep it cold while you take your vows. Make it Red Stripe lager in Jamaica, North Rock in Bermuda, Corona or Dos Equis XX in Mexico, Hinano in Tahiti, or Keystone Light in Cleveland.

The Backyard BBQ Wedding

You eschew the pomp and circumstance of a typical wedding and think place cards are for lobotomy victims. Or you're really broke and knocked up and need to get hitched fast. Either way, the Backyard BBQ wedding is just right for you.

Unquestionably, you need kegs of your chosen wedding beer; and not quarter barrels either. If you're having a BBQ, kegs and baked beans should take up a large portion of your budget. And since you aren't providing your guests with silly extras like "favors" or "chairs", you should have the resources available.

But what kind of brew is the perfect Backyard BBQ wedding beer? This is really a case for something easy drinking and quantity over quality. If you remember drinking it in college, it's appropriate for this function.*


*With the exception of Crystal Light bong water

The Classic Ballroom Wedding

Cathedral ceremony, live quartets, plated dinner yadda yadda... You wannabe a princess, we get it. If you choose to have this much traditionalism and lack of imagination, I sentence you to the Official Banquet Beer: Coors.

It's brewed right here in the Rocky Mountains and tastes like... banquet beer. Don't worry, your not-so-secretly alcoholic Aunt Doris will have to drink her weight in it before she calls you an impure whore.

The Cosmopolitan Wedding

You might consider a Cosmopolitan Wedding if you 1) Ride a scooter; 2) Use copious amounts of hair product but minimal deodorant; 3) Have ever ordered an Orange Mocha Frappacino; 4) Live in the greater San Francisco Bay area.

A Cosmo wedding takes the vows out of the church and into somewhere that hosts Open Mic Poetry nights: it replaces lace with vinyl and pews with bar stools. It begs for "signature cocktails" over beer, but no matter how tight the male guests' pants may be, I guarantee they don't want to drink Bellini-tinis all night.

But what of Cosmo wedding beer? A nice Euro import fits the ticket here. Try Grolsch for a smooth-drinking lager with a fun swing top and 5% ABV. Irish Harp lager is 5% too and brings a certain my-beer-comes-from-across-the-sea vibe to any occasion.

The Mountaintop Wedding

This one is strictly for the patchouli-wearin', long-haired, doobie-smokin', draft-dodgin', jam-band lovin' hippies. It also takes place outside, but lacks the Americana and scent of panic of the Backyard BBQ. Lacking a mountain top, it may be held in a glade at the solstice of some season and will definitely incorporate flutes and/or acoustic guitars.

These occasions have been known to break into the spontaneous singing of Kum-bai-ya; naked dances around Maypoles are not uncommon.

Microbrew is the only appropriate wedding beer here, and the varieties are endless. I hesitate to list specifics because the smaller and closer to home the brewery is, the more "dank" points it receives from the (largely unwashed) guests.

I will shout out Bell's Brewery for anywhere in Michigan, Fat Tire for Colorado, Mad River in Cali and Ommegang Brewery in New York.

If you happen to live somewhere else, take your patchwork-covered ass out to the nearest bluegrass bar and find a good microbrewed wedding beer to share with your buds.

Take these words of wisdom and go forth, my beer-drinking friend, into the overwhelming miasma of planning your wedding.

When you feel like you may drown in a sea of co-ordinating doilies or you get arrested for assaulting the floral consultant, just take a deep breath and know that your wedding beer selection is taken care of. And may the Schwartz be with you.