United Nations of Beer

World Tour of Beer

by Dallas Reimer
(Beer Delegate, MB, Canada)

Reimer's World Tour of Beer

Greetings from Winnipeg, Canada! You'll see by our lovely postcards that we have lush, green walkways, outdoor swimming areas, countless basketball courts and baseball diamonds, rock climbing, hiking trails galore, and more!
Downtown, you'll see the world-class Forks Market, and just a short drive to the West, you'll see North America's largest urban forest. Winnipeg is an outdoorsman's paradise!

In July, maybe. Right now, it is January. Winnipeg in January is a barren wasteland of snow and sand and temperatures of 40 below zero (as I see it is today. Again). Hundreds of cars will refuse to start tomorrow morning. Thousands of people will walk into their places of business and exclaim, "Sure is cold out there today!" while briskly rubbing their hands together and reaching for their coffee mugs.

Yeah, on second thought, stay wherever you are. Unless you're swimming naked off the coast of Antarctica, you're probably warmer than me. It's the post-Christmas, nothing-to-look-forward-to, cold as all bloody hell Winnipeg January, and this year, I'm taking a vacation. A beer vacation. Come with me and we'll head on a World Tour of Beer. Eight beers (and one shot). My fingers are frozen and I can barely type, but what the hell. Let's go!

Canada: Half Pints The Father

Our World Tour of Beer starts off right here in Winnipeg. I imagine myself in the Winnipeg International Airport bar, waiting for my flight announcement and I order a pint of Half Pints' January seasonal, The Father. (Click for full review.)

However tasty the first leg of my World Tour of Beer may be, I need somewhere to warm my bones and relax for the grueling travel itinerary I've set forth for myself, so I figured that the best place to go to accomplish that would be the equator. That's right, this Beer Delegate is headed to Mexico.

Mexico: Dos Equis XX Amber

I step off the plane, stretch my legs and survey my surroundings. A blast of heat hits my face as soon as I step outside to light a cigarette and I'm not so sure about Mexico being relaxing World Tour of Beer destination at all. I'm sure a beer will fix that.

I will myself to a beach and take my place for the day on a chaise in the sun. The camarero brings me a Dos Equis XX Amber (see the comments of the review for my full opinion). I thank him, leave him a generous tip (it's my damn fantasy, alright?) and crack my first glorious Mexican beer in the glorious Mexican sun. I'm feeling better already.

I bring the bottle to my mouth and catch a faint whiff of something familiar. I pause, trying to pinpoint the scent and suddenly, it comes to me. This beer smells like cabbage.

So, Mexico is a bust. I'm definitely warmer, but at what cost? My taste buds will not forgive me until I flood them with something to appease them. I think I may have to drink a glass of (gasp) water to get this taste out. Not Mexican water, though. I think it smells like cabbage.

France: Kronenbourg 1664

The World Tour of Beer continues on... to France! The beauty of Paris surrounds me as I wander the streets, looking for the great monuments like the Champs Elysees and the Eiffel Tower, the haunts of great writers like Hemmingway, Proust and Fitzgerald, the beautiful French women - it's almost too much. Even though France is known almost exclusively for its wine, I must have a beer!

I find a café and order a Kronenbourg 1664 beer. (Click for review.)

As my bottle gets more and more empty, I realize that I'm alone in this city of romance and decide that it's time to go. The next logical destination on my World Tour of Beer, of course, is the world's premiere drinking country.

Ireland – Guinness Draught

I've always found it funny that the word "draught" means both an absence of liquid and an abundance of it. I arrive in Dublin eager to sample Guinness from its original birthplace. I'm almost too excited but manage to take some from-the-hip snapshots of what I believe is called "the beautiful Irish countryside".

To me, there is only one thing in this city worth taking pictures of, and it's the massive gates of the world's foremost brewery. I am almost giddy at the prospect of drinking eighteen pints of Guinness and getting my skull kicked in by an angry Irishman. I'm crossing my fingers.

I'll spare you the details of Guinness, as anyone reading reviews of random beers on a website has already tried and formed their own opinions of it. You love it or you hate it. Guinness is not simply a brand of beer. It is a beverage in its own right.

There are many misconceptions about it, such as it being thick and heavy and an easy way to get drunk (it is one of the lightest beers I've tried and it sits at an underwhelming 4.2% ABV), but as one of the most popular beers in the world, there is no mistaking its quality.


Temporarily breaking my World Tour of Beer, I shook the can I poured it from and became enamoured with the "widget", which forms the famous Guinness head without help from the special Guinness tap. I was weak. I cut one open. The mysterious Guinness widget is basically a ping-pong ball, in case you were wondering.

I spent a good half hour taking sips and smiling, taking sips and smiling, taking bites of bread and butter, then a sip, then smiling. I stopped for a moment and questioned a beverage's ability to bring me such joy. Such calm happiness. Then I put such silliness away and took a bite, a sip, and smiled again. I hated to leave, but my glass is empty and the World Tour of Beer awaits!

Poland – Zywiec Original Beer

Poland, with its volatile history, has amazingly managed to maintain a working brewery for the past 152 years. This brewery is Zywiec. The beer I'm drinking is apparently named "Original Beer" since I see no other monikers on the bottle. There is a Coors-esque "Beer Thermometer" on the back of the label. When the logo appears, it's ready to drink.

I decide to form my own Polish tour (via Wikipedia) and discover that Poland seems to be the most invaded country I have ever heard of. This may not be true, but between Cossack, Napoleon and Hitler, I feel somewhat uneasy here and decide to move on.

Russia – A shot of Stolichnaya vodka

I was severely disappointed in my local liquor mart for the absence of Russian brews and wondered how I could cover the largest (by land mass) country in the World Tour of Beer without a local beer.

Well, vodka, of course. I just happened to have a bottle of the premiere Russian vodka – Stolichnaya – on hand to take me through this country of turmoil.

But since, this is not a beer-related stop, I knew that I had to take my licks and carry on. So, down it went with a grimace and I was on my way again.

Slovenia – Lasko Club

Lasko, Slovenia is known as the town of beer and flowers. And since I am not really that interested in flowers on my World Tour of Beer (aside from the hop flower, of course), this seemed like a good place to be.

But the sun is on the horizon. I am heading to a new continent with a whole new beer. My spirits begin to lift as Europe grows more distant and I find myself heading to unexplored territory.

South Africa – Castle Lager

Although I am not familiar with Africa in the slightest, I am familiar with Castle Lager. It's not that I've tried it before, but it is entirely so bland and tasteless that I feel like I've drunk it a thousand times already, on my World Tour of Beer and before.

I imagine myself in Cape Town, which is one of three capital cities in South Africa. It is the legislative capital. I refrain from shouting "Why don't you legislate some decent beer?" and revel in the temperate climate, which surprises me, given the continent I'm in, It's almost Winnipeg in summer. This makes me homesick. I am suddenly glad that there's only one more stop until I get home.

Japan – Kirin Ichiban Special Premium Reserve

Japan! I've wanted to come here my whole life (mostly due to Super Mario Bros, Cosplay and the general weirdness found in vending machines). Alas, Kirin Ichiban Special Premium Reserve on my World Tour of Beer is as close as I will get for now.

I crack the bottle and take a sip. I taste no Japan in this bottle. In fact, I don't taste a whole lot of anything. This was uncannily American beer. A quick trip to the Kirin Ichiban website concluded that this beer was in fact produced by the Anheuser-Busch company – producers of Budweiser and (shudder) Michelob.

A bust

I felt ripped off, duped, even swindled! My World Tour of Beer turned out to be (with a few exceptions) a farce. My beer vacation a simple smorgasbord of tasteless brews. I didn't even make it to Australia. How disappointing.

So I head back home with my head hung low. The heat is back on and up full blast, and I'm drinking the rest of my bottle of Half Pints' The Father, and contemplating a real World Tour of Beer. It may be a miserable January here in Winnipeg, but somewhere out there I will find a beer worth staying for. A beer worth telling people about. A beer worthy of the character of the country it comes from.

The character of a beer must reflect its country of origin, or it is simply a 12 passenger van on its way to Drunktown. You must feel the country when you drink it. Like wine to France, like sake to Japan, like terrible, watered down brew to the USA, you will find the heart of a land in its beverages.